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Thursday, October 1, 2009

Concession Speech


My friends, It was a hard fought campaign. We are at the end of a long, long and strange journey. Friends, we waged a clean honorable campaign that I will always be proud of. All the votes have been tallied. The American people have spoken and we have a new story of the month on Bartleby Snopes: "The Second Coming" by Townsend Walker. According to the talliers, my story, "A Rare and Powerful Employee" finished a respectable third while "Bringing the War Back Home" by Jac Cattaneo placed second. Please, please my friends no boos only applause. My opponent fought hard and is as much a patriot as anyone in this room.

When he says:

Jesus Christ did not rise at 7:20 on the evening of May 23, 1928 as the Reverend Herbert Barnes had foretold. The hundred people assembled around James Smith’s cellar door began to drift away after thirty minutes of inaction. The preacher continued to exhort before the dwindling numbers, “Lord, our Savior, we implore thee, come to us poor sinners, come, that we may hear thy words: ‘I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live . . .’” An hour later, only Charity Smith and the Graham spinsters were kneeling with him.

It shows he loves this country with all his heart. So I'd like to extend my congratulations.

Now, I have some disagreements with my opponent. Honest disagreements. Deep philosophical differences. And while he makes decisions, my story will be right by his side offering criticisms and any aid needed by his administration.

We are facing tough times in this country. I will honor my duty to the American people by staying in the fight. Even have a new one you can read here.

To my supporters, we fought. Did we fight hard enough? I don't know about that. I did all I could. Where were you? Did you hand out my story in the streets? Did you run up to people and say, "Did you read 'A Rare and Powerful Employee' by Rion Amilcar Scott. It's a mindfuck, man.?" If you haven't done that then you haven't supported our candidate.

I mean you, reading this right now: Did you even vote?

The rapper Chuck D said voting is one of the basic things you must do. Llike "washing your ass in the morning." So if you didn't vote, in essence, you didn't wash your ass this morning.

One of my supporters, who happens to be my big brother lavished praise on our candidate. I then asked, "Did you vote?" He responded with a deep, empty soulless stare. I ask you, how can I win with supporters like this? Huh?

Third? Third? The same third that rhymes with turd? I couldn't even be tied for second? Who remembers the guy that came third after Michael Phelps? After Usain Bolt? No one, that's who. As Bill Cosby would say, Come on People! It's not time for noble defeat or moral victories. I would call  for you guys to be out rioting in the streets, but people today are too apathetic, too comfortable to flip cars or loot grocery stores. Perhaps if I was fighting to get affordable healthcare for all Americans then people would rise up in force. But then they'd be rising against me. Sigh. I just can't win. Good grief.

We have proven that a disturbing story can place third on a great, but obscure website. So really, we have proven nothing.

Thanks supporters.

May God Bless America and  May God have mercy on our souls.

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