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Sunday, June 5, 2011

"So Weren't you Trying Read 100 Books This Year or Something Like That?" An Interview Conducted by my Little Hater*

So weren't you trying to read 100 books this year or something like that?

Well, the short answer is yes.

Are you still engaged in that pursuit?

The short answer to that is also yes.


Why don't you try to give me some long answers? I mean, really. I haven't seen any of your book report-like reflections of books you've read posted on here in a while. All I see are stupid cartoons and links to self-hating "humor" columns. Are you actually, in truth, reading or what?

Yes, I didn't stop reading. I just haven't had the time to write and post reflections because teaching freshman English is time-consuming.


Right. So when are you going to post your reflections?

Starting this week, I'm going to post one at a time until I'm all caught up. School is out so I have much more time to read and write.


Oh, so you're whining that your job is keeping you from your real work? Don't you make your wife miserable with such complaints?

I get frustrated from time to time, but I still enjoy my teaching.


Real diplomatic. Maybe you missed your calling as a bullshit-artist politician. 

No, I prefer to keep my bullshitting to the pages of my fiction. You can check out my published stuff linked on the side of this blog under "Now Playing."


Advertising yourself in the middle of an interview? Real classy. So if you have been reading, what can we expect you to post about?

Well, I read The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. Great book. I see why it's considered a classic.


A children's novel? I see that you're shooting real high there. What's the last book you read?

I just finished Babyfucker--

What did you call me?

No, that's the name of the book.

OK, motherfucker. How many books have you read so far?

Not sure.

You mean to tell me you are trying to read a very specific, yet arbitrary, number of books and you are not keeping a running count? You really are an idiot.

I haven't compiled it into a list. After this big push, I will list them all for you.

You know May was Short Story Month, right? Wouldn't it have been a good idea for you to read a bunch of short story collections and then reflect on them on this shitty blog?

That would have been a good idea. I wish I had thought of that.


Sounds like basic common sense. There are a bunch you have started and left incomplete. Classic collections. Even if you got interrupted by school work you could have made a major push through your reading and reaped the benefits as a writer. The same for poetry month. Really screwed up there, huh? You don't think, do you?


I'm using my summertime to really catch up. I have some tricks up my sleeve. That's all I can really say about that.

(In a mocking voice) I'm using my summertime to really catch up. I have some tricks up my sleeve. That's all I can really say about that. (muttering under his breath) Bitch.

What?
 
Oh, nothing. It's June--halfway through the year--have you read 50 books?

No. I must admit I'm very far behind. April and May were very tough months work-wise. I still managed to read some good books. The Weather Stations by Ryan Call is quite amazing.

Your friend's book? I'm glad you can read so dispassionately. You are a little slow, so I'll spell it out for you: I am being sarcastic.

Noted. I know it looks like I'm just hyping a friend's work, but I get very little out of lying about the book. Some very well-wrought stories. I will do a full post on it soon.

Well-wrought? What are you, a shittier version of the New York Times Book Review?

Can we wrap this up; I'm not sure I can take much more abuse.

You always were a thin-skinned son of a--

Is there another question coming?

Matt Bell has read more than 70 books so far this year? Does that make Matt Bell a better writer, reader and all around human being than you? I mean you aren't even close to that, right? He's a real man while you're a boy, right?

I don't know Matt Bell very well. Seemed nice online and in our brief exchange at AWP. Other than that, couldn't tell you what type of human being he is.

You're an idiot.

Good bye.   

Go fuck yourself.


*Battling the Little Hater

2 comments:

Matt Bell said...

For what it's worth, I think you're awesome. And I think of 100 books a year like trying to break 100 in bowling: some games I make it, some games I don't. Hopefully it's fun either way.

Rion Amilcar Scott said...

Hey Matt, you're awesome too. Your reading log is quite the inspiration when I'm not kicking myself for reading so slowly.